Losing my religion...

I am unsure where the old cliche about not talking about religion and politics fits into the super-high tech world wide web. This blog game is new to me. As Marvin Candle recently said - "there are rules, rules that can't be broken!!" - so, I want to be careful not to offend - especially if religion does play a role in your (meaning the reader) life. Plus, I am convinced that there are hundreds of thousands of wing nut watch dog religious groups out there that spend their entire day googling "religion" only to go absolutely First Testament on the author (meaning me) .

Until recently, religion - or the presence thereof - at the wedding has been an ongoing talking point for H and I pre-dating the engagement.

There are certain factions involved in the wedding that would like to see the use of some form of Christianity at the wedding - be it a religious ceremony to something as simple as a blessing before dinner. Religion plays a part in a lot of people's lives (including our families and guests) - I think there is an expectation on these people's parts that religion is a necessary component of a wedding - that a blessing and oath before God somehow validates the wedding. Ideally, you (meaning me) want to make these people happy - but at what cost?

Probably unsurprisingly, H disagrees with the use of religion at the wedding. Hard. I am sure that if you have been following this little experiment of mine, you have deduced that H is a more non-traditional bride. Naturally, this extends to the idea or the use of religion at the wedding and even the basic tenants of god and church, in general. I wonder if she has always been like this - could you imagine a frizzy haired little girl in the 9th grade with big red framed glasses (think nerdy girl who writes for school newspaper in any 80's teen sitcom) refusing to say the pledge of allegiance because of the use of some doctrine in the recital. It makes me laugh - especially the part where I think H was a teen nerd who wrote for the school newspaper and broke stories such as "where exactly does the sloppy joe meat come from?" I digress.

Last week, H waited for the 66 bus to take her to the blue line stop. As three buses passed her, she had time to think about the wedding and the things that she wants and the things that absolutely cannot be part of the wedding. Religion was atop this list. She had some time to really consider this and when she finally got into the office - about an hour later - she was REALLY fired up. I was treated to the most impassioned (*cough* nuts *cough*) stance on religion at the wedding yet. I wrote a few posts ago about "Bridezillas" - this was H's bridezilla moment. She fully admitted it. She was putting her foot down and pulling Bride rank (NOTE: this was the first time that she 'officially' pulled rank). She detests what organized Christianity stands for - the role of women in the church, the homophobia, the elitism and the false acceptance/backroom prejudices of the church - and did not want any hint of religion at the wedding. She is my little Brangelina taking a stand against the Church until the Church cleans up its act a little and recognizes.

Fair enough.

I can't say I disagree with her. I don't go to Church. I don't even lie about going to Church (to make my mother happy). I was raised catholic-ish and went back to church while I was in law school. When my father died, I went back to church for a grief group that allowed me a certain feeling of catharsis. Since then, other than one mass (maybe two) a year, I don't make it back to church. I cannot say with a straight face that God or the belief in God has played a major role in my life, rather, its a part of my make-up - a tiny part of my belief system - something that gives me some guidance in the way I live and some solace when things are rough. I have my issues with the catholic church as well - specifically the antiquated doctrine and the use of fear (and sometimes intolerance) to convince people that their way is THE way. I could not - without some hypocrisy - tell H that the use of prayer at our wedding was a big deal to me. Simply...its not.

My desire to have some form of prayer at the wedding largely stemmed from a need to make everyone happy and/or comfortable. I am sure that there are people out there that, for whatever their reason, think that you (meaning us) HAVE to have prayer at the wedding. Whether it is what they're used to at weddings or what they believe - I imagine that they feel a tie to some traditional aspects of a wedding - usually manifested via the use of religion.

I think what I have to remember, more than anything, is that this wedding is about H and its about me and about our life together - a life in which god and religion play a rather small role. So, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what our guests feel belongs in a wedding or even what they do on Sunday mornings. What matters is us, and what we are comfortable with and what we want on our day. This is a celebration of our lives together and we want to share it with everyone in our own very unique way - which does not include religion (or a 60 minute ceremony). When any of our guests get married (renew their vows, whatever) and want to use religion at their ceremony, we promise that we will not roll our eyes and will respect that this is a reflection of their lives.

Swear to god.

Say yes(es) to the dress(es)

I had indicated previously that information regarding H's wedding dress requires level 5 security clearance - I have level 1. No big deal to me. The less I know the better. That said, I am happy to say that H has found her perfect wedding dress...

Again.

I won't say I wasn't warned. When dress shopping started, her step-father gave me the rundown of how H and her Mom would shop for school dances. Normally they would buy 5-7 dresses and then the night of the dance they would decide. Imagine the poor pock faced kid trying to get H a corsage. Poor bastard.

I refused to believe that this would translate to wedding dress shopping. Extremely early in the engagement, H had earmarked a dress that she loved - that she had to request be added to some trunk show and that she would not be able to see/try on until January 17, 2009. In fairness, H decided not to put all of her eggs in one dress basket and set out shopping. H's mom and aunt made a trip to Chicago just after Christmas. They made several appointments at stores that I never knew existed and went full throttle trying on as many dresses as each appointment would allow. Cue cheesy video montage of H and company laughing and giggling and trying on crazy outfits - for the music, I have chosen "Electric Feel" by MGMT - "Ooh girl, shock me like an electric eel..." - trust me, in my montage, this works.

I still thought that she would never dare buy a dress until the trunk show on the 17th. I was wrong. At the next to last store, H texted me "um, I may have bought a wedding dress!"H seemed really excited with her decision and had an instant vibe with the maker - an independent dress shop on Damen Avenue...her Mom and aunt seemed really pleased with it too - so pleased, in fact, that her Mom bought her dress there too. H canceled her remaining appointments and enjoyed the rest of her day off, knowing that she found THE Dress. Still, I couldn't help to shake the feeling that this was not the end of this.

I was right.

The next morning, H did her best GOB Bluthe impression when she turned to me and said "I think I made a huge mistake."

H could not get the other dress out of her head. She was lying awake at night thinking about the first dress she ever loved. Within days she said "I think am going to try on the other dress." It took some herculean efforts to suppress the "I told you so..." that was dying to come out. Rather, like a good BFBFF, I said that if this meant she is going to be happy on her wedding day, then I am all for it. I would hate for her to wonder about the other dress or change her mind when the original dress has been cut - I have a limited understanding on these things, but I am guessing, you can't return these things.


Needless to say - she is in love - real love - with this dress. She has been walking around the house pretending she is NeNe from "Real Housewives of Atlanta" - yelling "Bam - my dress is so hot - BAM! Its young, sexy, glamorous. BAM!"

So, while I may not know what she is going to wear on September 12, 2009, I am glad to know that H is going to be wearing the exact dress that she wanted...even if it was her second first choice.

My name is my name...

The other day, I received an e-mail from H - it read "I will go ballistic if someone gives me a shirt that says "Soon to Mrs. [TMS19]" I couldn't sleep last night and was worrying about the wedding and that was one of the things keeping me up." [redacted to maintain some anonymity](which is ridiculous, I know).

I laughed at this - I normally do. The fact that she was kept up at night because she feared that someone might just assume that she was taking my name is kind of funny. But that is H and that is in large part one of the reasons I love her. Now, H doesn't buck tradition just for the sake of being different. She isn't the kid in high school who comes back from summer vacation with a dye-job and black nail polish just to be different. Many of her stances on things wedding and marriage related are well thought out and articulated in a manner that I can't help but respect (if not always agree with) her position.

H is not taking my last name. She doesn't want it. "Keep it" she said. And I respect that. I am certain that some of this is born from the fact that she is the last of the line - her father passed away while she was young, and her mother has since re-married. She is the 'last of her kind' and she wants to preserve the name. The other part of the equation is more complicated and could probably ruffle some feathers of other married folk. I will definitely not give her thoughts on this due justice, but I'll try - H is fiercely independent and doesn't believe in the traditional construct of marriage. To borrow a phrase from "True Blood" - she is not "mine." Nobody is paying me a dowry to take her off her family's hands. She goes into this marriage on her own accord and her own terms. She has worked hard her entire life to make a name for herself and doesn't see the point in sacrificing her identity, which she has been forging for 30+ years, because tradition tells her she has to. While this may be what some people want, she wants none of it. What would you expect from someone who minored in women studies in college...right?

Naturally, I was skeptical at first. I am definitely more traditional than H. A lot of that, though, is born from the ideals about marriage instilled in me by my parents and the environment I grew up in. I am from suburban Chicago. My hometown is filled with WASPy children of baby boomer's families and their non-denominational Christianity and midwest value system. It is commonplace to assume that H would simply take my name and be happy with it. Honestly, I never considered it from her point of view...that's just the way I was raised.

Ultimately, its about identities. Her name and identity are hers and mine is mine - what is most important is the identity that we forge together going forward.

Put a Ring On It

I realize that I am such a dude about this wedding game. H has been e-mailing me ideas about what to post here (this is probably in concert with the posted link to the blog on her Facebook page)...one of the ideas she came up with, which I feel like such a dolt for not writing about earlier is the ring. Details!

H is not your typical bride to be. She doesn't pay much attention to the traditional conventions of a wedding. Where tradition dictates one thing, H believes another (for ex. the presence of religion at the ceremony)(more on that in later posts). Normally the engagement ring falls under the umbrella of traditional wedding fare...

Not in our house.

The signs were early and often and they were not discreet...I truly believe that Sasha Fierce stole that finger wagging "put a ring on it" routine from H. I think her mother even started to do it. No pressure.

However, there were some ground rules - if you get me a diamond, I might say 'no.' H doesn't believe in them. She wants to be unique. Fair enough. Secretly, I was freaking out - I know nothing about jewelry. Not.One.Thing. Diamonds are easy - there are what, 4 C's? Piece of cake. If you don't want a diamond, then, really, what do you get? I was lost. The answer, of course dear reader, is simple - lemon citrine. With diamonds laid around the stone. And the band separating into two bands on its way to the setting. And a square cut.

Easy...

This is where is gets funny (I guess). H was absolutely confused by the fact that I needed her help with this. She would need to be there to point me in the right direction. The confusion and disdain from/for my suggestion was not lost on me. H actually thought that I would know how/where to go to get a custom lemon citrine engagement ring in the exact way she wanted it. Silly girl. Thankfully - the first stop - out in Lisle somewhere, H realized that this was going to more of a search. Apparently these rings don't just grow on trees. The only gem stone rings this store had were on the hands of one of its employees - a sweet 67 year old lady. She said that we can come back and she'll wear her entire collection. We declined (which is a shame, since Lisle has a great Panera Bread).

It became pretty obvious to me that we were going to need to custom make this ring. We spent a day in the Gold Coast. Our first stop was David Yurman - since, we thought they would know a thing or two about gem stones. They do. Unfortunately, DY, himself, has to sign off on any custom job. He didn't.

We stopped by and talked with several other jewelers in the area and on Michigan Avenue. They were all exceptionally sweet, but none of them really knew what we were talking about. This was getting annoying. H's mom and step-dad use a jeweler in Fishers, Indiana. They thought that she might be able to help. The big city in us was skeptical. We made a trip to Indianapolis to boat and ring shop. Thank god we did. Mary Khamis knows her rings - almost from the onset, she "got" it. She sketched and altered and, most importantly, we felt like for the first time, a jeweler listened to us. Within a month, we had a molding - H loved it so much she wore that around for a day.

From that point on, H was done with the helping. Mary and I worked out all the details...and on September 26, 2008, when I proposed, H got exactly the ring she wanted.

And I get the satisfaction of knowing that everybody that sees it thinks its a yellow blood diamond.

Couch Potatoes

One of the more interesting by-products of the wedding planning has been our increased television consumption (which is saying a lot - since we are pretty solid TV consumers right now). Naturally, our affinity for trashy reality television has blended nicely with the wedding planning and has resulted in a variety of wedding planning reality shows on our DVR (that's digital video recorder for the TiVo legions) . Seriously.

I can't get enough.

If its not "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" its "Say Yes to the Dress." Invariably, there is some wedding countdown show with snarky commentary. I love those. These are all well and great (and they are great) - but not a single one of them holds a candle to "Bridezillas." That show - in the parlance of junior high times - is off the chain. It is totally car crash television and for awhile there I wouldn't cover my eyes, lest I miss the next firework. I expect the couple in WWIIA? spending $1mil on a wedding to be complete A-holes...what I didn't expect is the bride with a $2,000 budget and having a pot-luck wedding dinner to be just as demanding as the $1mil couple. Crazy doesn't look at bank statements, apparently.

So, for those who have not been indoctrinated to B-Zillas - it is a reality show about crazy, needy, irrational brides in the weeks leading up to their wedding. It has, with zero doubt, given me a new appreciation for just how relaxed H has been thus far in the process, because, these b**** be crazy.

Now, I don't know if its for television or just the constitution of these "ladies" but it seems to me that each one of them is out to sabotage their own wedding and make their bridesmaids hate them in the process - at least two of the episodes showed brides activitely plotting against their bridesmaids. Last time I checked, those ladies are supposed to be of some import to the Bride - so, then, whats the point of telling the girl she needs to drop some LBs and get her lip waxed or purposely picking dresses that will look horrible on just about everyone?

These women were bad - Lisa Copola, literally took the cake (and shoved it into her father-in-law's face for daring to have a birthday the same night of her rehearsal dinner)(WTF?). Lisa was the reason why H and I watched BZ for two hours straight one night. So, you have a struggling actress...you take away her medication and you videotape her in the weeks leading up to re-marrying her ex-husband and hilarity ensues. But not "Everybody Loves Raymond" hilarity - rather the kind that is funny because it is so over the top and unbelievable that there are no other reactions available. Other than the cake stuffing incident, she also destroyed her veil (because it was a wisp too big)(um, have it altered), dropped a $10K ring into a glass of wine, because it was not exactly what she wanted (even though, according to her ex-new-husband, it was), ruined her relationship with her daughter, berated and belittled a repairman to the point that he walked off the job, and literally went Hiroshima on a travel agent because her dream trip to Bora-Bora was in limbo (at $9k a person - it should have been). In my favorite scene - at her ex-new-husband's attorney's office - the couple outlines the terms of a pre-nup. When Lisa is told she doesn't have any assets, she grabs her boobs and says something to the way of "what about these right here?" I nearly spit up my drink. Naturally, like a good lawyer (they do exist) - when she was out of the room - his lawyer turned to him and said (paraphrasing) "what the hell are you doing?" Thank god he got on tape that this guy was going against the advice of counsel - that may come in handy someday.

I thank Lisa and all the other crazies - seriously - for reminding me how lucky I am. The wedding planning process has been pretty smooth. H doesn't often pull rank and has been extremely rational through this whole process. Of course, the second she starts acting up, I am threatening to call the WE channel and getting a camera crew out to our house. That should bring her back to earth.

Six to One

I have been laughing about this since day one. We are, by all accounts, planning a non-traditional and, more importantly, short ceremony. We are thinking that it should last somewhere between 10 and 20 minutes. Despite that, we plan to have a 14 person wedding party. We're definitely going to make the photographers earn it. The procession will probably take longer than the ceremony itself. To put it in perspective - factoring in attrition and no-shows (yes, I have friends who bail last minute), 10% of our 'expected' attendance will be part of the wedding party. You read that right...10%

Nothing says the holidays like organizing a wedding party. Thankfully, I am much, MUCH better at it than H. Of the 14 people in the wedding party - 7 have been asked. Of those 7 - I have asked 6. Do the math. Not only that, when H did finally ask somebody (her good girlfriend from IULaw), she totally stole my build-up and speech!! (In fairness, I did get author's credit).

That said, this decision was difficult. How do you fit so many important people into one of the more seminal events of your life. I have three brothers. They were a shoe-in. My little brother is my best man - which I am excited about. He and I have really grown close since my Dad died in 2005. We watch lots of Arsenal soccer together. I have really enjoyed getting to know him these last few years and I am proud of the man he has become. I asked him several weeks ago while we were over at he and his wife's house for dinner and drinks. I asked my older brothers over the Christmas holiday. I am very excited that they each agreed to do this for and with me. After that, while I was in Indianapolis for the second part of Christmas, I asked H's step-brother - who I am a big fan of and H has become very close to. He is a great guy, who is family to both H and I. These were the easy decisions.

For the other three spots - I decided to look at my life. I have been honored to be in every wedding that I have stood up in. Unfortunately, circumstances disallow me to ask each of these friends to stand with me on my wedding day. If I could, I would. That has been the most difficult part: the realization that I cannot have every important person in my life up there with me. I know that these people, having been married themselves, understand, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.

I have asked 2 of the 3 (so, if you're reading this, keep your trap shut until I finish this). Each of these individuals are extremely important to me. Each have had a profound impact on my life and each are close friends who I trust and value. They are colleagues, confidants, peers and men who I measure myself against and always come up short. They have been there with me at my lowest, celebrated with me at my best, and have kept me grounded when I stray off path. I am proud to have each of them in my life.

So, thats done. Sappy enough? The good news for these guys, is that I am a low maintenance groom. I eschew tuxes in favor of black suits - that way, they can smoke em if they got em, or they can go out and buy one and use it forever. My bachelor party will not raise any eyebrows of their significant others. There will be no hookers, strippers or suck for a buck tee-shirts. I don't see us on Rush and Division - or anywhere close, actually. I'm old and boring...I'll probably be in bed by 10:30.

Maybe I'll update when I add that final piece. But two things are for sure - I am honored that these guys have all agreed to stand up there with me and, 2.) H has some catching up to do.

Return of the Mack

I have been confused for a lot of things - a poor man's Baldwin brother, amongst them - but nobody has ever, EVER confused me with someone who likes to work out or enjoys being healthy. I do not, as they say, count calories. I enjoy wings and beer and, given the opportunity, I would eat 2 sausage egg mcmuffins each day for breakfast. I have been fortunate. Genetics, until this point, have kept me looking trim(ish) and I run - so, that has helped keep me healthy.

Naturally, in May - exactly 6 years from the last time I laced up the shoes - I decided to lace up my old soccer boots and play a recreational game of soccer with some friends while H was out of town. It took me longer to find those shoes in the closet than it did to get hurt playing. Within approximately 10 minutes of entering the fray, I had heard my knee snap, crackle and pop twice. I will blame the field turf - but I know its just me being out of shape.

This has kind of hurt the running program I was on. Besides 2 months of rehab, I kind of hate running now - its too cold. My knee hurts and if I hit a funny patch of sidewalk (common where we live because the City doesn't care about our neighborhood), its back to the doctor. Which, despite my fancy insurance, I am prone to want to avoid altogether.

Now that I am engaged, I have started the prolonged and completely necessary (yet dreaded) wedding diet. 9 months in advance (actually 10 months - I started in December, right before Christmas). To make matters more interesting - we joined a gym. This way, I get to look like I am insane on a precor machine and break the record for amount of sweat emanating from my forearms and fastest time to target heart rate.

I have always thought that wedding diets were funny in a sort of ridiculous way. When my engaged friends would house a couple of stouffers french bread pizzas, I would always ask whether it was part of their wedding diet. More often than not, the honeymoon would offset any progress made during the dieting period (normally 2 months of work preceding the wedding). Why, then, would I subject myself to the same ridicule? What is the end game here?

The answer is simple, really. I am as narcisstic as they come. I want to look good in that wedding suit. If I decide to take my shirt off on our honeymoon, I don't want to confirm what the Euros already think about Americans. I want to be skinny again. Not high school skinny - 6'2" - 160 Lbs. - but something between that and now. The wedding has given me a perfect opportunity to concentrate on this - all in the name of the wedding. This way, I am a hero. But, after 3 weeks, I have kind of decided that the wedding is just the launching off point, and, the way I reckon, its a much better reason to get and stay healthy than a cop-out New year's resolution (that piece of advice was courtesy of two meatheads while we all took a steam last night)(by the way - the gym is straight-up effing packed right now!).

Will I keep the good habits I am cultivating as part of this diet plan - which really boils down to eating better, exercising 4-5 times a week and actually spending some time in the gym? I plan to. Not just for the wedding, but for H and I's life as well - a heart attack at 50 would be kind of unfair to her.