My name is my name...

The other day, I received an e-mail from H - it read "I will go ballistic if someone gives me a shirt that says "Soon to Mrs. [TMS19]" I couldn't sleep last night and was worrying about the wedding and that was one of the things keeping me up." [redacted to maintain some anonymity](which is ridiculous, I know).

I laughed at this - I normally do. The fact that she was kept up at night because she feared that someone might just assume that she was taking my name is kind of funny. But that is H and that is in large part one of the reasons I love her. Now, H doesn't buck tradition just for the sake of being different. She isn't the kid in high school who comes back from summer vacation with a dye-job and black nail polish just to be different. Many of her stances on things wedding and marriage related are well thought out and articulated in a manner that I can't help but respect (if not always agree with) her position.

H is not taking my last name. She doesn't want it. "Keep it" she said. And I respect that. I am certain that some of this is born from the fact that she is the last of the line - her father passed away while she was young, and her mother has since re-married. She is the 'last of her kind' and she wants to preserve the name. The other part of the equation is more complicated and could probably ruffle some feathers of other married folk. I will definitely not give her thoughts on this due justice, but I'll try - H is fiercely independent and doesn't believe in the traditional construct of marriage. To borrow a phrase from "True Blood" - she is not "mine." Nobody is paying me a dowry to take her off her family's hands. She goes into this marriage on her own accord and her own terms. She has worked hard her entire life to make a name for herself and doesn't see the point in sacrificing her identity, which she has been forging for 30+ years, because tradition tells her she has to. While this may be what some people want, she wants none of it. What would you expect from someone who minored in women studies in college...right?

Naturally, I was skeptical at first. I am definitely more traditional than H. A lot of that, though, is born from the ideals about marriage instilled in me by my parents and the environment I grew up in. I am from suburban Chicago. My hometown is filled with WASPy children of baby boomer's families and their non-denominational Christianity and midwest value system. It is commonplace to assume that H would simply take my name and be happy with it. Honestly, I never considered it from her point of view...that's just the way I was raised.

Ultimately, its about identities. Her name and identity are hers and mine is mine - what is most important is the identity that we forge together going forward.

Put a Ring On It

I realize that I am such a dude about this wedding game. H has been e-mailing me ideas about what to post here (this is probably in concert with the posted link to the blog on her Facebook page)...one of the ideas she came up with, which I feel like such a dolt for not writing about earlier is the ring. Details!

H is not your typical bride to be. She doesn't pay much attention to the traditional conventions of a wedding. Where tradition dictates one thing, H believes another (for ex. the presence of religion at the ceremony)(more on that in later posts). Normally the engagement ring falls under the umbrella of traditional wedding fare...

Not in our house.

The signs were early and often and they were not discreet...I truly believe that Sasha Fierce stole that finger wagging "put a ring on it" routine from H. I think her mother even started to do it. No pressure.

However, there were some ground rules - if you get me a diamond, I might say 'no.' H doesn't believe in them. She wants to be unique. Fair enough. Secretly, I was freaking out - I know nothing about jewelry. Not.One.Thing. Diamonds are easy - there are what, 4 C's? Piece of cake. If you don't want a diamond, then, really, what do you get? I was lost. The answer, of course dear reader, is simple - lemon citrine. With diamonds laid around the stone. And the band separating into two bands on its way to the setting. And a square cut.

Easy...

This is where is gets funny (I guess). H was absolutely confused by the fact that I needed her help with this. She would need to be there to point me in the right direction. The confusion and disdain from/for my suggestion was not lost on me. H actually thought that I would know how/where to go to get a custom lemon citrine engagement ring in the exact way she wanted it. Silly girl. Thankfully - the first stop - out in Lisle somewhere, H realized that this was going to more of a search. Apparently these rings don't just grow on trees. The only gem stone rings this store had were on the hands of one of its employees - a sweet 67 year old lady. She said that we can come back and she'll wear her entire collection. We declined (which is a shame, since Lisle has a great Panera Bread).

It became pretty obvious to me that we were going to need to custom make this ring. We spent a day in the Gold Coast. Our first stop was David Yurman - since, we thought they would know a thing or two about gem stones. They do. Unfortunately, DY, himself, has to sign off on any custom job. He didn't.

We stopped by and talked with several other jewelers in the area and on Michigan Avenue. They were all exceptionally sweet, but none of them really knew what we were talking about. This was getting annoying. H's mom and step-dad use a jeweler in Fishers, Indiana. They thought that she might be able to help. The big city in us was skeptical. We made a trip to Indianapolis to boat and ring shop. Thank god we did. Mary Khamis knows her rings - almost from the onset, she "got" it. She sketched and altered and, most importantly, we felt like for the first time, a jeweler listened to us. Within a month, we had a molding - H loved it so much she wore that around for a day.

From that point on, H was done with the helping. Mary and I worked out all the details...and on September 26, 2008, when I proposed, H got exactly the ring she wanted.

And I get the satisfaction of knowing that everybody that sees it thinks its a yellow blood diamond.

Couch Potatoes

One of the more interesting by-products of the wedding planning has been our increased television consumption (which is saying a lot - since we are pretty solid TV consumers right now). Naturally, our affinity for trashy reality television has blended nicely with the wedding planning and has resulted in a variety of wedding planning reality shows on our DVR (that's digital video recorder for the TiVo legions) . Seriously.

I can't get enough.

If its not "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" its "Say Yes to the Dress." Invariably, there is some wedding countdown show with snarky commentary. I love those. These are all well and great (and they are great) - but not a single one of them holds a candle to "Bridezillas." That show - in the parlance of junior high times - is off the chain. It is totally car crash television and for awhile there I wouldn't cover my eyes, lest I miss the next firework. I expect the couple in WWIIA? spending $1mil on a wedding to be complete A-holes...what I didn't expect is the bride with a $2,000 budget and having a pot-luck wedding dinner to be just as demanding as the $1mil couple. Crazy doesn't look at bank statements, apparently.

So, for those who have not been indoctrinated to B-Zillas - it is a reality show about crazy, needy, irrational brides in the weeks leading up to their wedding. It has, with zero doubt, given me a new appreciation for just how relaxed H has been thus far in the process, because, these b**** be crazy.

Now, I don't know if its for television or just the constitution of these "ladies" but it seems to me that each one of them is out to sabotage their own wedding and make their bridesmaids hate them in the process - at least two of the episodes showed brides activitely plotting against their bridesmaids. Last time I checked, those ladies are supposed to be of some import to the Bride - so, then, whats the point of telling the girl she needs to drop some LBs and get her lip waxed or purposely picking dresses that will look horrible on just about everyone?

These women were bad - Lisa Copola, literally took the cake (and shoved it into her father-in-law's face for daring to have a birthday the same night of her rehearsal dinner)(WTF?). Lisa was the reason why H and I watched BZ for two hours straight one night. So, you have a struggling actress...you take away her medication and you videotape her in the weeks leading up to re-marrying her ex-husband and hilarity ensues. But not "Everybody Loves Raymond" hilarity - rather the kind that is funny because it is so over the top and unbelievable that there are no other reactions available. Other than the cake stuffing incident, she also destroyed her veil (because it was a wisp too big)(um, have it altered), dropped a $10K ring into a glass of wine, because it was not exactly what she wanted (even though, according to her ex-new-husband, it was), ruined her relationship with her daughter, berated and belittled a repairman to the point that he walked off the job, and literally went Hiroshima on a travel agent because her dream trip to Bora-Bora was in limbo (at $9k a person - it should have been). In my favorite scene - at her ex-new-husband's attorney's office - the couple outlines the terms of a pre-nup. When Lisa is told she doesn't have any assets, she grabs her boobs and says something to the way of "what about these right here?" I nearly spit up my drink. Naturally, like a good lawyer (they do exist) - when she was out of the room - his lawyer turned to him and said (paraphrasing) "what the hell are you doing?" Thank god he got on tape that this guy was going against the advice of counsel - that may come in handy someday.

I thank Lisa and all the other crazies - seriously - for reminding me how lucky I am. The wedding planning process has been pretty smooth. H doesn't often pull rank and has been extremely rational through this whole process. Of course, the second she starts acting up, I am threatening to call the WE channel and getting a camera crew out to our house. That should bring her back to earth.