Still kicking...

Fear not...H lived through her Bachelorette party last weekend. The girls have been pretty mum on the stories and no pictures have been leaked (which is fine) so all I have to go on is a 2:24 AM voicemail from H telling me that my sister-in-law is awesome, that they're eating burritos and to 'suck it' (she's so cute), but, from what I can tell, H had an amazing time and was extremely saddened by the end of the weekend.

I know its cheesy (or cheese-ass)(or whatever), but I was really touched that so many of the girls took time out of there lives and came into town to fete my future bride. Its really a testament to the friendships that they have and have maintained over the years. So, ladies, thank you. You mean so much to H and I am glad that she has friends like you in her life (to the ladies that could not make it, please know that I include you in this sentiment).

Thank you all again for loving my girl as much as I do.

Suck for a buck...

This weekend is H's bachelorette party...blurgh.

I'm kidding. Aside from the part in which I was politely asked to leave for the weekend, I am excited for H. She needs a weekend with her friends doing whatever it is that they do (usually screaming sing-a-songs and dancing to the Roots)(it doesn't matter where they are)(seriously). My understanding is that this is not going to be a typical Rush/Division bachelorette party with suck for a buck t.shirts, veils and phallic earrings...I love that this is not H's style. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with that style, its just so...gauche. The girls on "Bridezillas" do it this way - I'm just saying.

I can go either way on bachelor/bachelorette parties. I think they are a necessary evil to the process. H and I have talked about this more than I care to admit: I don't like the archaic view that this is the man/woman's "last night out as a single" - something that you see often with bachelor parties. Its so 80's in that Tom Hanks, donkey on amphetamines sort of way. I think that that ideology only encourages being a jackass and maybe makes the whole thing bigger than it needs to be. It doesn't have to be an "anything goes" or "whatever happens in Bar Chicago stays in Bar Chicago" sort of event. It should reflect the person they are meant to celebrate and not the other way around. (Admittedly, I am not a strip club guy - ipso facto - we're not going to a strip club for my party).

From what I can gather, this is a really well thought out and "H-esque" weekend centered on all the girls catching up and enjoying each other's company - with some woman's empowerment type activities thrown in. Big props to the MOH, Midge, who has been a rockstar planner. She seems to have everything covered and I can't tell you how much I appreciate her commitment to her maid of honor role.

So, ladies - have a great time this weekend, keep your tee shirts with lifesavers taped to them at home and call the guy from your gym that you want to jump out of a cake(?) and tell him to make other plans and just take care of my girl.

Man Code?

It appears that I have a preternatural ability to separate the wheat from the chafe - or in this case, the d from the bag. Last week while America was guffawing over Dave - the Midwest sweetheart who was so enamored with Jillian that he froze for 13 seconds when introducing himself- I said he looks like a bad drunk who takes off his shirt in bars before he gets in a fight. Dave - you're so predictable. Big pat on my back. H is always amazed (or annoyed) that I espouse to know a lot about men's personalities and their nefarious ulterior motives. But, with 3 brothers and 70 roommates (if you count every frat bro as a roommate) - I think I have seen it all. It was no surprise to me then that Dave was the typical small Midwest city meat head wanna be alpha dog who says things like "man code violation" when someone apparently doesn't do a shot of tequila. It was a surprise that there was a hint of homphobia in his ranting - considering these guys - including Juan, the man who has apparently drawn Dave's ire - are on a show seeking to date a woman. Brilliant. At least two recaps I read mentioned "Laramie" when describing this guy's ranting. Thats never good. America is scared. Be warned - this is not the last we have seen (and I am not just saying that because I saw next week's previews). I am guessing that there will be some subtle chest to chesting in next weeks episode. I wouldn't rule out a head-butt - like the one that Chad layed on BO-hio on the Tila Tequila show - wow.

Enough already - on to the show

Week two in the Bachelorette franchise is always interesting for me, the viewer. It is here that you start to see the personalities of the people (something that you can't even begin to tell in the first episode). Usually, this is not a good thing as most suitors don't really have a personality. Maybe thats why Jillian was so refreshing in the first place.

With that, it is clear that there are about 5 good dudes in this house and 12 spazzes, creeps, dweebs or dirtbags. Thankfully, Jillian has managed to keep the good guys in the house and even send a spaz (Bryan) and a creep (Julien) home to their mothers. Both of those guys bugged me last week. Julien with his side cocked head and Bryan with...well, him. Julien was pretty much out when he didn't get a date this week - Bryan (who smartly wore Snow's glasses from the hit video 'Informer') was dead in the water when he mistook the Bachelorette for "Paradise Hotel 2." Jesus fella. Keep em on.

I was saddened by the loss of Simon - the Brit. He was never going to win, but he was harmless and the out take of him misprounouncing 'hard' and then telling the other dudes that he was the only one who spoke proper english was funny.

Highlights/Lowlights

Once again, I won't really do much of a synposis of the episode. The internet is teeming with bachelorette blogs - I am not nearly as funny.

- Tanner and Mike the breakdancer in the mini-cooper was hilarious in that white trash "Deal or No Deal" screaming idiot sort of way.
- Seeing all the dudes on the first group date reminded me of my first ill fitting tux.
- Brad - from Chicago - is really bad. He seems like he is rude to waiters and cab drivers. Plus, he was wearing a burberry tie - I saw those at Filene's Basement a few weeks ago. You can't get anything past me Brad!
- As bad as Brad is - Wes is 10X worse. H said it best: that guy is 32 years old - why does his hair do that? He seems like those Moms on Real Housewives that are borrowing their 15 year old daughters clothes. Plus - the swoop in on some one-on-one time was jackassery 101. I will give him some credit - since he seems mildly 'touched' - and for the fact that he makes no apologies about it, but still. I really hope that he is gone in the next two episodes, but definitely have a feeling he'll be around to the Final 4 or 5.
- Jillian loves the booze. The producers may want to think about watering down her wine Jesus style.
- Speaking of our girl - she seems to be in two minds about what she wants - there are several clean cut dudes still in the house, whom she likes - but then there are some guys that are just rough - she calls them bad boys - I call them d-bags.
- We were really uncomfortable with the Jake jackhammer. I was half hoping that he would get punched in the sack for that move. He seems like a good enough guy - I, however, immediately distrust somebody that "wide eyed" though (and anybody that still wears pleated slacks). Stay tuned.
- The basketball game was funny...I remember when my body decided that my athletics were in my past.
- Big ups to Mike (who was no. 5 on my d-bag list last week). He totally redeemed himself with the speedo plunge.
-Juan is kind of out for us - while I don't condone how he was treated by Dave - he is kind of creepy.

Our roses

I still like Ed - but he had no screen time this week. So, we'll see. H likes Jesse, but points out that a guy like that would never hit on Jillian at a bar. He would be too busy harassing the waitress. Jillian seems to really like Kiptyn - H pointed out that he may be this year's Graham - the guy that stays around because he is good to look at. I throw my "Reid" hat in the ring. He showed a little bit this week. So, those guys, plus pleated pants Jake, I think round out our top fiver.

I think next week will be really telling - if she falls for the moonlight serenade by a 32 year old country western singer who probably owns at least 2 items of Hollister gear, then maybe we don't know our girl at all...

I now pronounce you...um...what?

One of the more interesting subplots to the wedding thing is the concept of identities and the fact that they arbitrarily change between the engagement - when you go from being the boyfriend/girlfriend to fiance/e as quickly as you can get her to say yes - and the wedding day. Since last September, neither H nor I have grown particularly comfortable calling each other the 'f' word - more traditionally opting for boyfriend or girlfriend, respectively. I thought this was a temporary stopgap until we get married - that the feeling of discomfort would subside when we get married and confirm as such in front of all our virtual friends on facebook with a relationship status change. Imagine my surprise when I learned that H can't yet wrap her head around calling me her husband. Its another word that just feels foreign to her. I am assuming that this comes from a long held belief that she would never "take a husband." Or that - for 30 months now I have been her "boyfriend" and that she resists change. We have been bandying about alternatives to call me (for the record, I am OK with calling her my wife). Here is what we have come up with so far (with my thoughts on each):

- Lover (too Jackie Collins)
- Partner (too androgynous)

- Boyfriend (not enough)
- life-partner (too new-agey)
- Guy she married (too much like a Kevin James Sitcom) - plus, could you imagine that moment when the Judge pronounces us "guy she married and wife" - it doesn't sound right.

So, where do we go from here? I think this is one of those small instances where it is clear that I am just more traditional than H. I see no real problem with this transition. Does she? I ultimately do not think so - maybe she was just having one of those moments where words just seem funny sounding.

"Chet. Chet." (OK - that one was for one person who I know reads this blog).

Hiatus

H and I took a much needed hiatus from all things wedding this weekend and instead decided to celebrate a real holiday - my 32nd birthday. I think this was important (not the birthday stuff - there have been points in the last year that I have forgotten how old I am), but rather, a weekend like a normal couple doing normal things and talking about something other than the wedding. I think there is a shared fear between H and I that we are going to get married and there is going to be this lull because we don't have the wedding to plan. Its silly, we know, but, seriously, we talk about it... a lot. Its not to say we don't enjoy the conversation. One of my favorite nights this year was doing the Save the Date cards - we split a bottle (or three) of wine and sat around the dining room table listening to music and talking about the wedding.

But, the wedding is one day, and we have a lifetime ahead of us. So, with that said, it was nice to have a date weekend - complete with fancy dinners, day drinking, birthday parties, dance parties, late night burritos and hangovers. For three days, at least, we didn't have the wedding hanging over our heads and that was - in a word - nice.

I won't go into all the details - I will actually go into very little detail - only to say that, once again, H nailed it on my birthday dinner (and breakfast)(she somehow got up at 6 AM with me and made me waffles and turkey sausage). For dinner, we went to the Publican in the West Loop. It was outstanding - just my kind of place. The menu, the crowd and the vibe were all perfect. I think H and I were unsure how I would handle the community seating approach (think giant dinner party), but we were seated at a corner of a large table - which felt extremely intimate. Our server was extremely cordial and the food (the dover sole and the mussels) was remarkable. I would recommend it to anyone that asks.

Thank you Bubs - you're the best

Yikes - at least there was breakdancing.

As embarrassing as it sounds, make no mistake about it - H and I are big Jillian Harris Fans. I am guessing that most of you have no effing clue who Jillian Harris is - thats OK. Unless you are addicted to catastrophic reality match making shows like the Bachelor franchise, you probably shouldn't know who she is. She was the big winner in the Jason Mesnick sweepstakes last season on the Bachelor - by big winner, I mean, she was in the top three and was not chosen. Now - as the fates and America will have it, she is this season's "Bachelorette."

H and I thought it would be funny if I kind of reviewed the show (each week? maybe? If I have the energy). Please know that between her and I there is a 120 minute running commentary in the house - so this recap is as much her as it is me. Admittedly, I watched the Bachelor before meeting H. I think I started sometime in the Andrew Firestone season and have been a semi-regular viewer since then. I do think, however, that it is funny what my television regimen has become. Lets just say I definitely know what happened on the Real Housewives of New Jersey last night, but do not know the Cubs' score. The things we give up for co-habitation. There are currently 4 "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" and 3 "Say Yes to the Dress!" episodes on our DVR right now...and 'we' plan to watch all of them (I usually fall asleep unless the wedding planner/dress buyer is especially bitchy).

That said, H and I are Bachelorette watchers and were glued to the television Monday night as 30(!) suitors vied for national exposure...and Jillian's heart - who says you can't have both!?! I have read other blogs/recaps of the episode - their thoughts were pretty much spot-on. For a full recap, you have to read the TV Watch one - she is hilarious. I will do my very best to avoid stealing her thoughts/quips on this episode...and I don't have the notes or skill to remember who is who - H and I know who we like thus far and who we don't like. There are a few that we are up in the air on and a few that we definitely think are closeted. I swear the whole "meet the stags" portion of the show was like an ambiguously gay workout video. Each one of these guys is good looking and each had at least an 8-pack stomach (I think Kiptyn's abs had little abs). Is this what reality TV has come to? I am paraphrasing something I heard on a Sports Guy podcast - but, this season of the Bachelorette and the Road Rules/Real World Challenge may prompt the television execs that be to start drug testing. These dudes are all jacked - where do they find the time? Is there a secret reality TV ranch style workout facility where these guys spend 8 hours a day doing sit-ups? It can't be natural.

That aside - I know its the first episode and that we don't really know anything about these dudes (note - almost all of these guys are dudes or bros - very few are actually men), but I am serious when I say that I don't see that many potential good guys for Jillian (or anyone else really). During the Mesmick season, H and I earmarked both Melissa, Naomi and Jillian right off the bat - Molly was the dark horse. And what do you know - Mellissa, Naomi and Jillian were in the final four. The Deanna season, H was immediately smitten with Jeremy and we had a feeling that Mesnick and Graham would go far - again - what do you know? This season is going to be a little more difficult.

First off - I have read in two places that people like Stephen (?) - the lawyer from NY. Our immediate reaction was "d-bag." Now - I am a lawyer and I will say this - most lawyers that just got out of law school are complete tools - present company included. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how big of a d-bag I was right after I graduated. I routinely found myself half-drunk on Friday mornings and on Rush & Division at 4 AM or wearing wristbands and yelling Pearl Jam lyrics at strangers from a moving cab. Note to all ladies - newly admitted lawyers are all ego maniacs that need their ass kicked (PSA over).

Also - Dave, the guy she gave the first impression rose to - Really?!? I Guarantee that he is a bad drunk and gets into someone's face this season. He just seems aggressive in that 'I take my shirt off at bars and get in fights' sort of way. Not good.

Speaking of shirts - who dresses these guys? Please tell me that they didn't do this to themselves. I am a firm believer that there are only a few colored shirts that should be worn with a suit - white, pale blue and pink. I swear, I think the Sopranos made dudes feel it was cool to wear some gawd awful colored shirts - shout out to Tanner in his electric green - nice choice Bro. It seems weird that someone who has fashion sense like Jillian has some of these jamokes as her suitors. I guess if it isn't a tank top (to show off tribal band tattoo) then these bros are toast.

My First Impression Rose

So - who do we like? I think the Pilot - Jake - stands a chance. Though - he seemed creepy - creepy like "I have a second family in Tuscon and they don't know that I am here, but I had to be here to meet you, Jillian" sort of way. He is just waaay too into her for such a short period of time. I liked the breakdancer. He might be young. Juan was cool - but he has that "follow you into every room you go into"/"Sleeping with the Enemy" quality about him. We'll see how this pans out.

My pick thus far would be Ed from Chicago (represent. Represent). He seems solid and the fact that he doesn't know who Jillian is, is probably a good thing. Plus - he shares a name with and kind of looks like "Ed" from the tv show - "Ed" - not ever a bad thing.

I will update with H's pick - but for some reason, I thought it was Jake. Or Jesse the winemaker (speaking of wine - Tuesday night's Housewives when the Jersey girl said "lets go get some more char - doe- naaay" I expected to see a box of wine)(That show is nuts)(new money...hurrumph). Or whatever.

Highlights/Lowlights

I won't go too far into the scene by scene recap.
- Much has been made of the foot fetish guy - hey man, whatever. Let the freak flag fly. I would be more concerned with the sequined coat he was wearing.
- If Greg is a Bilbro on the scale from One to Bilbro - then what is someone who is actually taller than Jillian (I'm sorry - I am obsessed with being tall. I bragged to H several times how empowering being the tallest guy in the elevator is)(I rule).
- Wes the Country singer is toast. As an aside - anyone who brings their guitar to a reality Tv show - or on any date - is a d-bag.
- If James Spader from "Pretty in Pink" and that aggressive Equestrian guy from "Mad Men" got together and had a baby and that baby made another baby with Bright Eyes - and that baby had a $30 gift certifcate to H&M - you would have Kyle the graphic designer from Brooklyn. That is not a compliment.
- The Dance off was awesome - better than the dance off at the beginning of "Stomp the Yard."
- The "you ARE a catch" guy was harmless - and greasy.
- Julian the restaurant guy was pretty rough - I think someone told him that sheepishly talking with your head down and tilted to the side is endearing. I am here to tell him its not. Plus - nice car. Nerd. When is the lease up on that bad boy?
- With all this competetion it was hard to pick the biggest turd in the toliet - then I remembered Bryan from Atlanta/Alabama. I don't know about the girls out there - but any time you mix chauvenism, xenophobia and obnoxiousness ("hot tub harris")(really?) you have yourself a winner. The fact that she gave him a rose makes me think that she was pretty drunk by the end of the night and mixed up the Bryans and then said - "whatever - they're both gone by week two anyway..."

Will Jillian find love? I don't know. I will be sure to let you know - right after I make fun of the dude she picks.

Thinking (Thomas) Pink...

I should have learned this lesson a long time ago. I am not a rookie. I have been back in Chicago for seven years - even living within a John Daly tee shot from Michigan Avenue for five of those years - how did I think shopping on a Sunday afternoon when it was 65 degrees and sunny outside would turn out? My bad...actually - it was their bad - and by "their" I mean the customer 'service' representatives from Saks for Men, Bloomingdales, Brooks Brothers, Kenneth Cole and Hugo Boss. H and I are so sorry to have bothered you.

I have a birthday coming up - I will be 32 this Friday. Hold the applause and the zippy happy birthday song. As a gift - H wants to buy some of the items needed to complete my wedding 'look' - including the shirt, a pocket square and my tie. Normally, she could handle this - but because I have taken special care with what I have bought thus far for the wedding and because as of today I have lost 35 pounds (!) - I needed to go with her to get re-sized and pick out what I was feeling.

We have been so busy the last few weeks between Mothers Day weekend, my mom's surgery (she is Ok) and general wedding planning, that Sunday was the day for us. And - what a day it was. I would love to pick on each store and their employees. I explained to each one that I was getting married and wanted a quality slim-fit white dress shirt to go with my suit - and that my sugar mama (who was with me) would be purchasing it. We screamed "ready to buy." Unfortunately, nobody was ready to sell. Odell at Bloomingdales was nice enough to take my measurements - he couldn't be bothered to find me a shirt to actually try on. Peter from Saks on Michigan was too busy tinkering with lyrics for his next emo/garage rock album to actually be bothered. The guy at Brooks Brothers - I forgot his name - showed us to the pocket squares and left. Not to be outdone, the guy at Kenneth Cole didn't know what a pocket square was...and finally - Hugo Boss - I walked around store for 20 minutes and couldn't even find a sales representative. Well played.

I wonder if we went on a weekday whether we would have been treated better. I am not making excuses for these jackenapes, but I imagine that they get every Wes, Mark and Dunbar (obvious MTV Real World references) from Schaumburg coming in on the weekend and not buying a thing. I am guessing they're a little desensitized from it all. Knowing this, I was careful to point out that we live down the street and that we should know better than to shop on a weekend. That apparently didn't matter (I do need to give props to Eric at Paul Stuart - he was great)(the collar on the shirt wasn't).

Which leads me to this sage piece of advice - the Thomas Pink store at Macy's on State Street is a lifesaver. I popped in there after work yesterday and was immediately greeted by Crystal - I explained to her what I was looking for and low and behold - she grabbed it for me (as well as a size up and a size down). I tried it on and got her reaction and she put it on hold for H to pick up - this took 15 minutes - tops. Unreal. Obviously, I am happy - I wasn't ready for the tremendous disappointment of visiting high end and high middle ended stores and being treated like a second class citizen - so this made up for it. It felt good to matter again.

Next weekend I am going to get all dressed up in my suit (which is now complete) - walk in to each store and say it:

"Big. BIG mistake. Huge!"