Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Yikes - at least there was breakdancing.

As embarrassing as it sounds, make no mistake about it - H and I are big Jillian Harris Fans. I am guessing that most of you have no effing clue who Jillian Harris is - thats OK. Unless you are addicted to catastrophic reality match making shows like the Bachelor franchise, you probably shouldn't know who she is. She was the big winner in the Jason Mesnick sweepstakes last season on the Bachelor - by big winner, I mean, she was in the top three and was not chosen. Now - as the fates and America will have it, she is this season's "Bachelorette."

H and I thought it would be funny if I kind of reviewed the show (each week? maybe? If I have the energy). Please know that between
her and I there is a 120 minute running commentary in the house - so this recap is as much her as it is me. Admittedly, I watched the Bachelor before meeting H. I think I started sometime in the Andrew Firestone season and have been a semi-regular viewer since then. I do think, however, that it is funny what my television regimen has become. Lets just say I definitely know what happened on the Real Housewives of New Jersey last night, but do not know the Cubs' score. The things we give up for co-habitation. There are currently 4 "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" and 3 "Say Yes to the Dress!" episodes on our DVR right now...and 'we' plan to watch all of them (I usually fall asleep unless the wedding planner/dress buyer is especially bitchy).

That said, H and I are Bachelorette watchers and were glued to the television Monday night as 30(!) suitors vied for national exposure...and Jillian's heart - who says you can't have both!?!
I have read other blogs/recaps of the episode - their thoughts were pretty much spot-on. For a full recap, you have to read the TV Watch one - she is hilarious. I will do my very best to avoid stealing her thoughts/quips on this episode...and I don't have the notes or skill to remember who is who - H and I know who we like thus far and who we don't like. There are a few that we are up in the air on and a few that we definitely think are closeted. I swear the whole "meet the stags" portion of the show was like an ambiguously gay workout video. Each one of these guys is good looking and each had at least an 8-pack stomach (I think Kiptyn's abs had little abs). Is this what reality TV has come to? I am paraphrasing something I heard on a Sports Guy podcast - but, this season of the Bachelorette and the Road Rules/Real World Challenge may prompt the television execs that be to start drug testing. These dudes are all jacked - where do they find the time? Is there a secret reality TV ranch style workout facility where these guys spend 8 hours a day doing sit-ups? It can't be natural.

That aside - I know its the first episode and that we don't really know anything about these dudes (note - almost all of these guys are dudes or bros - very few are actually men), but I am serious when I say that I don't see that many potential good guys for Jillian (or anyone else really). During the Mesmick season, H and I earmarked both Melissa, Naomi and Jillian right off the bat - Molly was the dark horse. And what do you know - Mellissa, Naomi and Jillian were in the final four. The Deanna season, H was immediately smitten with Jeremy and we had a feeling that Mesnick and Graham would go far - again - what do you know? This season is going to be a little more difficult.

First off - I have read in two places that people like Stephen (?) - the lawyer from NY. Our immediate reaction was "d-bag." Now - I am a lawyer and I will say this - most lawyers that just got out of law school are complete tools - present company included. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how big of a d-bag I was right after I graduated. I routinely found myself half-drunk on Friday mornings and on Rush & Division at 4 AM or wearing
wristbands and yelling Pearl Jam lyrics at strangers from a moving cab. Note to all ladies - newly admitted lawyers are all ego maniacs that need their ass kicked (PSA over).

Also - Dave, the guy she gave the first impression rose to - Really?!? I Guarantee that he is a bad drunk and gets into someone's face this season. He just seems aggressive in that 'I take my shirt off at bars and get in fights' sort of way.
Not good.

Speaking of shirts - who dresses these guys? Please tell me that they didn't do this to themselves. I am a firm believer that there are only a few colored shirts
that should be worn with a suit - white, pale blue and pink. I swear, I think the Sopranos made dudes feel it was cool to wear some gawd awful colored shirts - shout out to Tanner in his electric green - nice choice Bro. It seems weird that someone who has fashion sense like Jillian has some of these jamokes as her suitors. I guess if it isn't a tank top (to show off tribal band tattoo) then these bros are toast.

My First Impression Rose

So - who do we like? I think the Pilot - Jake - stands a chance. Though - he seemed creepy - creepy like "I have a second family in Tuscon and they don't know that I am here, but I had to be here to meet you, Jillian" sort of way. He is just waaay too into her for such a short period of time. I liked the breakdancer. He might be young. Juan was cool - but he has that "follow you into every room you go into"/"Sleeping with the Enemy" quality about him. We'll see how this pans out.

My pick thus far would be Ed from Chicago (represent. Represent). He seems solid and the fact that he doesn't know who Jillian is, is probably a good thing. Plus - he shares a name with and kind of looks like "Ed" from the tv show - "Ed" - not ever a bad thing.

I will update with H's pick - but for some reason, I thought it was Jake. Or Jesse the winemaker (speaking of wine - Tuesday night's Housewives when the Jersey girl said "lets go get some more char - doe- naaay" I expected to see a box of wine)(That show is nuts)(new money...hurrumph). Or whatever.


I won't go too far into the scene by scene recap.
- Much has been made of the foot fetish guy - hey man, whatever. Let the freak flag fly. I would be more concerned with the sequined coat he was wearing.
- If Greg is a Bilbro on the scale from One to Bilbro - then what is someone who is actually taller than Jillian (I'm sorry - I am obsessed with being tall. I bragged to H several times how empowering being the tallest guy in the elevator is)(I rule).

- Wes the Country singer is toast. As an aside - anyone who brings their guitar to a reality Tv show - or on any date - is a d-bag.
- If James Spader from "Pretty in Pink" and that aggressive Equestrian guy from "Mad Men" got together and had a baby and that baby made another baby with Bright Eyes - and that baby had a $30 gift certifcate to H&M - you would have Kyle the graphic designer from Brooklyn. That is not a compliment.
- The Dance off was awesome - better than the dance off at the beginning of "Stomp the Yard."
- The "you ARE a catch" guy was harmless - and greasy.
- Julian the restaurant guy was pretty rough - I think someone told him that sheepishly talking with your head down and tilted to the side is endearing. I am here to tell him its not. Plus - nice car. Nerd. When is the lease up on that bad boy?
- With all this competetion it was hard to pick the biggest turd in the toliet - then I remembered Bryan from Atlanta/Alabama. I don't know about the girls out there - but any time you mix chauvenism, xenophobia and obnoxiousness ("hot tub harris")(really?) you have yourself a winner. The fact that she gave him a rose makes me think that she was pretty drunk by the end of the night and mixed up the Bryans and then said - "whatever - they're both gone by week two anyway..."

Will Jillian find love? I don't know. I will be sure to let you know - right after I make fun of the dude she picks.

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